We could all start sending you messages telling you how wrong you and how important your life actually is, but I think you already realize it is important. You can't control the future, and you realize that too.   It sounds like you need professional help, probably to get back on the meds, and the advice of amateurs here on Mudcat is not of use to you.   Listen to your family, friends and most important - professional help.

You aren't alone.