That question, lesblank, reminds me of what a friend said to me in the height of the US civil rights movement. He said, You're going to feel a lot different about it when a black guy points his rifle at you.

I said, Believe me- I would feel every bit as bad if it were a white guy.

The argument you are using is the old 'Would you want your sister to marry that guy?' or whatever the question of the day is. It is way too easy a rhetorical - and dramatic - thing to ask.

In the violent loss of someone you love, feelings of grief and fury and frustration are real. They are to be expected; sometimes one cannot even bear to think of someone having to die like that. The what-ifs are endless.

But loss happens. And grief at a violent loss is not the only kind of grief there is- it is very hard to lose someone to disease or accident.

In the end, all one can really do is to learn how to deal with it. Just accept that our sympathy too is real.