Sorry, Mom. I guess I have to do all the work around here. I mean, all the work that you don't do to keep the kids quasi-healthy, pseudo-sane, and able to put up at least a front of normalicy. And I know how hard that is, what with Amos living in Southern California and almost certainly involved in those cults and things down there and Stilly living in Texas and Bee-Dubya still living in a rotten log in a swamp and Bunn living in (God help us all!) Scotland and Weehawken living in someplace and RR in Minnesota and Khandu owing me money and the Robotussians ready to invade Earth and EVERYTHING.

But it's okay, Mom. I've called on the Idaho Legion to help protect Earth from the Tussies and they've set up the twin Bofors gun on the top of Howard Mountain. It's probably just as well that they don't have ammunition for it. They have armed themselves though, opening the Arms Room at the Hovel and distributing the deadly Wacky Wackers stored therein. And, Mom? They're doing all this to protect ME from being "abducted, seducted, subducted and/or tapeducted by them godless commie fascist pinko creepy impolite egg-suckin' puppy-kickin' unAmerican sicko Californians...I mean Rubbertushians," as Special Imperial Generalissimo Field Marshal Undergropingferher Sam "Zitnose" Pamplemousse, the local Legion Commandante, said last night when they were hauling that Bofors gun up the mountain. That was just before the guys hauling the gun pulled Zitnose off of it and tossed him into south-flowing Icewater Creek, just north of Skullfracture Falls. But don't worry about him, Mom; he was pretty loosened up and anyway, you know what they say about God protecting fools and drunks and so you know that Zitnose had double protection.