"HELLO, FRIENDS!" (His toupee falls off briefly onto the record player, muffling the sound of the Moonglows). If you loved this story, you'll love this GREAT OFFER!!You know me, I'm the Ancient Teenager! Remember this great sound? (The high school band plays its one number again for the seventh time)!! Well, now you can recapture those old memories again, just in time for the OLD FOLKS HOME!! Now only on SPACE-DEATH Records, 150 CDS of every B-side that was the backdrop to those great 50's and early 60's!!
Who could ever forget them? Who? What? Oh, yes, them!!! (Rescues toupee off turntable, scratching Patti Page). What memories they were! Who can ever forget telling the guys that you made it to home plate, and had no idea what you were talking about? (Pat Boone in whiteface appears on the screen, singing and wearing Maybelline)

Who can ever forget this great song you had to listen to because you were really plain and no one would ask you to dance all night!!! ("Hey There" briefly drifts in, to be replaced by "Yakety Yak").

Remember sitting in the girl's washroom crying your eyes out because you were so ashamed? Well, this is the great song they were playing in the distance!! (Theme from "A Summer Place")
How about those segregated drinking fountains? Aboveground nuclear tests! The young Pat Nixon!!!

NOW memories like these can be yours again!! Remember how hard you tried to forget them? Well, they won't go away!! They are preserved forever on these FABULOUS titanium CDS that cannot be smashed like you did with your Connie Francis records the night Doreen stole the only boy you have ever loved!!!!

Remember when you had to leave town because you were pregnant!! Remember when your mother used to look out the window and wonder why, and look at your father, and you could see in her eyes the thought: I am smarter than him, why am I here playing bridge all day with women I despise?" Well, this is the song they were playing when she had her 3:00 early start on the cocktail party!! (band plays "The Wayward Wind")

Great times, you bet!!!Can we ever forget?

NOPE, like me, they are here, endlessly, JUST TRY AND FORGET!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

And now here are some messages from our other sponsors!! (tie catches in Big Bopper memorabilia, hurls Ancient Teenager at Annette Funicello blowup doll with cantilevered breasts, loud explosion heard, car revs up, and is soon lost in the late night television distance.)