As we said in the Service, Ballsy: Balls!

You are obviously seeking for what is not to be found and creating "news" that is, to be kind, imaginative in the extreme. I will be the first to say that Wellington-Jones has his unique character, but to impute to him an alieness is pure fantasy.

Perhaps your time would be better served in covering the local boys serving in Basra? Or aren't you "independent" enough to actually cover news?