I posted this on Little Hawk's humour thread but I decided it belonged here too.

The circus comes to Belfast and wee Jimmy decides to take the day off looking for work and bring a little enjoyment into his otherwise mundane life. "To the circus" cries Jimmy, as he climbs into a black hack on Castle street. "Is that Carlisle Circus?" says the hackneyed hack handler. "No way, mucker," says Jimmy. "Take me to Duffy's Circus."

Ten minutes later he arrives at the Big Top ticket booth and can't help but notice that the young lady selling the tickets is extremely attractive. Wee Jimmy is well taken and chats amiably with the handsome young ticket vendor. Things are going very well for Jimmy and he persuades the young woman to join him when the show starts. After the ticket counter closes the young woman joins wee Jimmy in his seat and they proceed to get along like a house on fire. That is until the clowns appear in the ring. The crowd cheers and the spotlight sweeps across the rows of excited faces. One of the clowns stares up from the ring when the spotlight stops on the faces of wee Jimmy and his charming companion. This particular clown really fancies the young ticket purveyor and is therefore not amused to see her sitting with wee Jimmy and apparently having a very good time into the bargain. The clown runs to the edge of the ring and calls out for all to hear. "You there." The crowd falls silent with anticipation and the spotlight focuses on Jimmy. "Who me", says Jimmy rather weakly. "Yes you," says the clown. "Could you answer me a question," he continues. "I s'pose I could," says Jimmy clearing his throat and shifting uneasily in his seat. "Well then," says the clown, "are you the front end of an ass?" "No way", says Jimmy. "OOOh," says the crowd collectively. "Well then," says the clown with a satisfied smirk on his face. "Are you the back end of an ass?" "Ohhh", cry the crowd in unison. "No friggin' way," says Jimmy glancing sideways at his handsome companion. "Well then", cries the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd erupt in gales of laughter. The young woman leaps out of her seat and makes a hasty retreat in the direction of away. The clowns tumble across the ring, the drums roll and poor Jimmy slinks out of his seat and hurries toward the exit truly mortified.

He heads down the Falls road silently cursing the smart-arsed clown and his own inability to come up with an answer for him. "If only," thought Jimmy, "I'd had a better education and not left school early to pursue a career as a bodhrán dancer, Ahh but sure the costumes would have turned any impressionable young man's head". Jimmy trudged on, lost in his own thoughts, when out of the corner of his eye he spied a flashing neon sign, that read, "AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee, witty remarks while you wait". "By Jingo," says Jimmy, "that's the boy for me," and he races across the road weaving between overloaded taxis and chain smoking single mothers pushing double barrelled push chairs.

The shop bell dinged as Jimmy pushed open the door an entered AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee's emporium. The room was bare except for a counter at one end, which had a trail of smoke wafting up from behind it. Jimmy walked up to the counter and standing on tiptoe strained to look over it. On the other side of the counter sat a short man in a dark blue three-piece suit and a tattered cloth cap reading the racing form. "Excuse me mate," says Jimmy "is AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm - Master of Repartee in". The wee man set aside his newspaper and looked at Jimmy through glasses with lenses so thick his eyes appeared to be in the back of his head. "Yes son," he said, "I'm yer man, what's up." "Well ye see," said Jimmy and he related his story about the beautiful young woman, the sarcastic clown and the events at the circus. "No problem," says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, when Jimmy had finished his story. "I'll take care of yer man for ye, for a price." "Name it", says Jimmy. "Twenty five quid", says AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "That's steep", says Jimmy. "Its up to you son", says Amazing Harry retrieving his paper. Jimmy thought for a moment, getting his own back on the clown would be great but impressing the young ticket seller would definitely be greater. "OK," says Jimmy, "you're hired." "Right", says Amazing, "we'll see you at the circus the morra."

Next day Jimmy could hardly wait and rushed off up the Falls road for the afternoon matinee show of the circus. True to his word, there stood AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee waiting for him at the ticket booth. As luck would have it the same young woman was selling tickets. Jimmy walked up bought two tickets and after apologising profusely managed to persuade the young woman to join them when the show started. Once inside Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee found their seats and settled in. Jimmy handed the twenty five-pound fee to Amazing and they both waited for the young woman to join them, which she soon did. Just as before, things were going very well between Jimmy and his female companion. The events of the previous day were almost forgotten until the music began and the clowns took to the ring. Once more the spotlight searched the audience and once more the same clown spied Jimmy with his estranged par-amour. The clown once more trotted to the edge of the ring and gazed up at his rival. The spotlight followed the clowns gaze and settled on Jimmy, the young woman and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Well, well", says the clown and the crowd once again fall silent. "May I ask you a question", he says, looking at Jimmy. "Fire away, oul han'," said Jimmy confidently. "Are you the front end of an ass"? said the clown. Jimmy made a sideways glance at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, before answering, "not at all." "Then are you the back end of an ass?" said the clown smiling maliciously. Jimmy could feel his throat tighten as he turned to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, who sat munching popcorn. "Well no," replied Jimmy less confidently. The crowd remained hushed. You could have heard a pin drop. "Well then," said the clown, "you must be no end an ass." Again the crowd roared with laughter, the young woman fled from her seat and Jimmy gaped open-mouthed at AMAZING HARRY.

Once outside the circus tent Jimmy rounded on AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. "Why the hell didn't you say something?" he yelled. "I was sizin' him up son," replied Amazing, "I wanted till see what he had, I'll be ready for him the next time." "The next time?" said Jimmy "what do you mean next time?" "Listen son", said AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee, "you meet me here tomorrow for the show and we'll sort your man out, he'll not know what hit him, I'll put him down that hard he'll think he's surrounded, oh by the way that'll be another twenty five quid."

Next day Jimmy and AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee arrive at the big top. As before Jimmy worked his charm on the young ticket seller who agreed to join him after Jimmy assured her there would be no repeat of what happened before. He tells her he has brought along a friend who is a notorious wit and that the sarcastic clown would definitely meet his match that very afternoon. Reluctantly the young ticket seller agreed to join them when the show started.

When they were all settled in their seats Jimmy waited for the arrival of the clowns into the ring quietly confident that his adversary would meet his match. As before when the clown arrived he made straight for the edge of the ring and the spotlight once more fell on Jimmy. "Can I ask you a question," cries the clown and the audience fall silent. "Ask away," says Jimmy. "Are you the front end of an ass?" says the clown. Oooh, says the crowd. Jimmy looks at AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee before replying, "no I'm not." "Are you the back end of an ass?" says the clown. Ohhh, says the crowd. Again Jimmy looks at Amazing Harry a little desperately. Still AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee says nothing. "No", says Jimmy, panic welling up in his eyes. "Well" laughs the clown, "you must be no end an ass." The crowd roar with laughter, the girl runs from her seat as Jimmy turns to AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee. Suddenly AMAZING HARRY, King of Sarcasm and Master of Repartee throws his bag of popcorn to the ground, jumps to his feet, stares directly at the clown and yells, "fuck off you red nosed bastard."