In a press release from United Bandwidth Mining and Processing, Inc., company officials are attempting to reassure the Web-using public that bandwidth supplies are adequate for foreseeable usage forecasts.

Said company spokesperson Miriam Mountcastle:

"While it's true that a few bandwidth mines in the Dakotas have been mined out, we are doing everything within our power to assure that supplies remain at or exceed current levels. We are actively negotiating import deals with a number of countries where bandwidth supplies are high. We have contracted for the construction of a fleet of bandwidth supertankers to handle the expected influx of foreign bandwidth. Meanwhile, our experimental studies centered around extracting usable bandwidth from seawater are continuing and are beginning to show real promise."

In other news, the Bush administration has offered full assistance to Canadian authorities in their search for the elusive bandwidth-wasting copycats. In an afternoon press conference, presidential spokesman Brett Bagnutz said, in part, that plans are in action to convert the terrorist holding facilities at Guantanamo Bay into a copycat detention center "just as soon as we can get those pesky terrorists out of there".