I've never told anyone this before, but here's The Truth. Don't, for goodness sakes, tell anyone I told you or I'll be drummed out of the Bibliotecal Bruderbund (Includes Women).

When Ghatma Buddha studied under Siva and Kali, he rejected Kali's teaching and thereby gained only half the knowledge he needed. Kali became angry at this rejection of her Wisdom, and was going to start The Dance but was dissuaded by Lao Tzu. Instead, Kali seduced Freya into sleeping with Math Mathonwy by offering Chango a piece of the Salmon of Knowledge.

Freya got preggers from the encounter and gave birth to triplets: Elesie, Odwy, and Udsie -- two girls and a boy. Given their parents and the gifts given to the three at their birth by Siva, Kali, Math Mathonwy, Lao Tzu, Chango, Lilith, Osiris, Isis, Pele, the Hiiakas, Ereshkigal, Inanna, Uzume, Amaterasu, Oya and the rest of the gang, the three kids were wise before their time. When they had grown they gathered to themselves women and men of surpassing intelligence, wit, charm, beauty, spin, up, down, and all the rest of the virtues. These people work to bring Order from the Chaos of Knowledge while preserving what Martin Buber, in his early work "Daniel" called "the whirlpool."

But ranged against these noble warriors of the mind are a group known only as "The Perfect Unwashed Ones" or TPUO (pronounced "Ptooey"). These do their awful best to thwart the followers of The Three by stealing books, censorship, mutilating books, keeping stuff overdue, and cutting library budgets.

Many times the followers of The Three have thought to make their work easier by having Kali do a little dance; just a few steps, nothing really major, but decided that ol' Kali might get carried away and forget to stop and then where would we be?

So Elsie, Dewey, and Udeesie (as the three are now known)made a plan a couple hundred years ago which will bring about the complete destruction of the TPUO and usher in a New Age where books will be arranged in neat rows on the shelves, nothing will be overdue, and babies will not puke on the pages.

The time for the New Age is almost upon us, and has nearly reached that ripeness from which the New Age will burst forth like pus from a nice, ripe, juicy, pimple.

If you don't want to be numbered among TPUO, get your library books back on time and pay your fines (if any). And you'd better do it very soon.