Perhaps you should purchase a bidet, Spaw.

"BB-1000 is equipped with state-of-the-art "smart power saving function" that calculates the most frequently used hours of the day for maximum savings with a powerful deodorizer that eliminates up to 90% of embarrassing odor.

Its patented 1 pocket 3 nozzles allow maximum hygiene with a soothing pulsating massage. Equipped with the most advanced "Capacitance" seat sensor and "Self Diagnosis," BB-1000 is truly the most advanced and complete bidet seat in the industry."

biobidet.com