To Shambles and anyone else who is interesting,
When I was younger I only cared about what others thought of me. I had such low self-esteem that it took me until my late teens to realize I had an opinion.
All my romantic relationships were built on "Oh, you actually like me? What can I do to make you happy? I will try to be what I think you want so you will love me and never leave me?"
Eventually these relationships would fail because they were built on a pathetic base.
I had lots of girl friends. I thought of myself as a friend farmer. I could plant the seeds of friendship and make anything grow. I was so giving, pleasing and accommodating, who wouldn't want to be my friend.
I marched in ten weddings as a bridesmaid. A particularly popular wedding photographer use to joke with me "Bonnie you should start a bridesmaid rental service".
Then one day after many years of dealing with all my personal crap, I decided I am really tired of caring what others think of me just so I could receive their love and approval. I decided I was just going to be myself, and whoever stuck around was just fine by me.
This attitude has restored a great deal of my energy allowing my creativity to flow which I now put towards more constructive endeavors. I also enjoy life more and I am a much happier person these days.
I feel more authentic, vibrant and alive.

Bonnie