From The Lester S. Levy Collection of Sheet Music:

LEARNING MCFADDEN TO WALTZ.
M. F. Carey, 1890.

1. Clarence McFadden he wanted to waltz,
But his feet wasn't gaited that way,
So he saw a professor and stated his case,
And said he was willing to pay.
The professor looked down in alarm at his feet
As he viewed their enormous expanse,
And he tacked on a five to his regular price
For learning McFadden to dance.

CHORUS: One, two, three! Balance like me.
You're quite a fairy, but you have your faults.
While your left foot is lazy, your right foot is crazy,
But don't be unaisy. I'll learn you to waltz.

2. He took out McFadden before the whole class
And he showed him the step once or twice,
But McFadden's two feet got tied into a knot.
Sure, he thought he was standing on ice.
At last he broke loose and struck out with a will,
Never looking behind or before,
But his head got so dizzy he fell on his face
And chewed all the wax off the floor.

3. McFadden soon got the step into his head,
But it wouldn't go into his feet.
He hummed "La Gitana" from morning till night,
And he counted his steps on the street.
One night he went home to his room to retire
After painting the town a bright red.
Sure he dreamt he was waltzing and let out his foot
And he kicked the dash-board off the bed.

4. When Clarence had practiced the step for a while
Sure he thought that he had it down fine
He went to a girl and he asked her to dance
And he wheeled her out into the line
He walked on her feet and he fractured her toes
And he said that her movement was false
Sure the poor girl went round for two weeks on a crutch
For learning McFadden to waltz.

[There was a 1911 short film called Teaching McFadden to Waltz, and in 1912 the sheet music was reissued under that title.

[Shirley Temple sang TEACHING MCFADDEN TO WALTZ in the 1939 film "Susanna of the Mounties," in which she taught Randolph Scott to waltz.]