There was this guy who favoured himself as the next 'Le Petomaine'.. his stage act consisted of him passing wind through his lower sphincter in a tuneful manner. He could toot 'La Bamba', the Indian Love Call, 'Stars and Stripes', 'Col Bogey' and many other favourites. As a filler, he would impersonate various items, such as a dog barking, rifle fire, a kitten mewling, a pneumatic drill and, his piece de resistance, a Harley Davidson motorbike.

He took this act all over the world, and they loved him. Many many times he was called upon to do his act in many many countries. He became very rich, women flocked to his side and no request was too much or too bizarre.

Tragically though, in Tokyo, at the climax of his act, something went wrong... Instead of the rich resonant tones of a Harley Davidson, all he produced was a pathetic, whining splutter. He tried again. There was a cough, a squeal and eventually, nothing. In desperation he sought medical advice. He visited all the doctors and clinics he could find in the area, tried all manner of creams, lotions, treatments and medicines, but to no avail, the beautiful sound of a Harley Davidson was beyond him. All he could produce was a clunking, whining sound and then nothing.

At his wits end, he tried alternative therapies. Finally, he appealed to an elderly accupuncturist. The accupuncturist asked him to run through the act, looking thoughtfully at the man when he reached the finale and the pathetic, honking, phut phut sounds that should have been a Harley Davidson. He bade the man lie down over the table and carefully and dilligently inspected his performing sphincter. The accupuncturist selected a long needle from his kit, swabbed the site and inserted the needle. There was a moment of stinging pain and then a feeling of blessed relief. He gave a gentle toot... with confidence he performed 'Old Smokey' and finally, a triumphant, rich, resounding Harley Davidson roar!

"How can I ever thank you?" he exclaimed to the accupuncturist, "That was incredible!! Whatever was the matter? Why couldn't I make the Harley Davidson sound?"

The accupuncturist sucked on his moustache thoughtfully.

"Abcess" he declared.

"Abcess makes the fart go Honda."













I'll get me coat.

LTS