I always question Ogden Nash and Robert W. Service and Kipling attributions, because I've seen things falsely attributted to these three. This one, however, seems legit. This Ogden Nash bibliography (click) lists a 1934 broadside poem titled Four Prominent Bastards Are We; and also a 1934 song titled Four Prominent So and So's, with lyrics by Ogden Nash, music by Robert Armbruster, illustrations by Otto Soglow.
This poetry site (click) has a slightly different version:
The Lay of the Three Bastards
[This recitation was allegedly written by Ogden Nash in the late 1930s. The version presented here was current in Australia in the 1940s and differs slightly from the original.]The First Bastard:
I am an autocratic figure in these democratic days,
A dandy demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the baker bake the most delicious breads,
And the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds,
So my position in the structure of society I owe
To the qualities of parents bequeathed my long ago.
My father was a gentleman, and musical to boot,
He played the second fiddle in a house of ill-repute,
The madam was a lady, and a credit to her cult,
And she liked my father's fiddling - and I am the result.
So my mother and my father are the ones I have to thank
For the fact that I'm the Chairman of the National Mutual Bank.The Second Bastard:
In a cosy little farm house in a quaint old country dell,
A dear old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell,
She was pretty, she was charming, she was gentle, she was mild,
And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child.
In the year her hospitality attained a record high
She then became the mother of a happy infant - I.
And whenever she was gloomy, I could always make her grin
By childishly inquiring who my father might have bin
The hired man was favoured by the girls of mother's set
And a traveler from Sydney was an even money bet,
But such was mother's morals, and such was her allure
The even the Archbishop was not completely sure.
So I took my mother's morals, and I took my mother's crust
And now I am the Chairman of the top Investment Trust.The Third Bastard:
As a member of a chain gang on a dusty Bathurst road
My late lamented father had a permanent abode.
Now some were there for stealing, but my father's only fault
Was an overwhelming weakness for criminal assault
My father always told me that raping was a crime,
Unless you raped the voters a million at a time.
I'm a debit to my country, but a credit to my dad,
I'm the most expensive M.H.R. this country ever had.Our parents forgot to get married, our parents forgot to get wed,
Did a wedding bell chime, it was always the time that our parents were somewhere in bed
So thanks to our kind loving parents, we are kings in this land of the free,
Yon banker, yon broker, yon Canberra joker - three prominent bastards are we.Lament Of The Person Who Is Not Prominent:
I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic days,
A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the flat-footed have the flattest kind of feet
And the children of Flo. Ziegfield have a waggle in the seat,
So my position at the bottom of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
My father was a married man, and what is even more,
He was married to my mother, a fact which I deplore.
I was born in holy wedlock, consequently by-and-by
I was rooked by even bastard who had plunder in his eye.
I deposited, I invested, and I voted at the call,
If I've ever made a penny then these bastards took it all.
But now I've learned my lesson and I'm on the proper track
I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm going to get it back.
For comparison, here's the text from the Digital Tradition. Anybody have an authentic Ogden Nash text?
FOUR PROMINENT BASTARDS
(Ogden Nash)
I'm an autocratic figure in these democratic states
A dandy demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the baker make the most delicious breads
And the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds,
And the Barrymores and Roosevelts and others I could name
Inherited the features that perpetuate their fame,
My position in the structure of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
Now, my father was a gentleman, and musical, to boot;
He used to play piano in a house of ill repute.
My mother was the madam, and a credit to her cult
She liked my daddy's playing, and I was the result.
So my mammy and my daddy are the ones I've got to thank,
I'm the chairman of the board of the National City Bank.
cho: Our parents forgot to get married
Our parents forgot to get wed;
Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
They were somewhere off in bed.
So it's thanks to our kind-hearted parents
We're kings in this land of the free
The banker, the broker, the Washington joker
Three prominent bastards are we.
In a cozy little cottage, in a cozy little dell
A dear old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell.
She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was mild
And her sympathies were such that she was frequently with child.
The year her hospitality attained a record high
She found herself the mother of an infant, which was I.
And whenever she was gloomy I could always make her grin
By childishly inquiring who my daddy might have been.
Now the hired man was favored by the gals of mammy's set
And the traveling man from Scranton was an even-money bet,
But such were mammy motives, and such was her allure
That even Roger Babson wasn't altogether sure.
So I took my mammy's morals and I took my daddy's crust
And I grew to be the founder of a big investment trust.
On a dusty southern chain-gang, on a dusty southern road
My late-lamented pappy made his permanent abode,
Now while some was there for stealing, my pappy's only fault
Was an overwhelming weakness for criminal assault.
His philosophy was simple, and free of moral tape,
"Seduction is for sissies; a he-man wants his rape!"
Pappy's total list of victims was embarrassingly rich
And though one of them was mammy, still he could not tell me which.
Well I never went to college, but I got me a degree,
I guess I am the model of a perfect S.O.B,
I'm a debit to my country, but a credit to my dad,
The most expensive senator this country ever had.
I remember pappy's telling me, "Boy, rapin' is a crime
Unless you rape the voters, a million at a time."
I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic states,
A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits.
As the children of the cops possess the flattest kind of feet
And the daughter of the floozie has a waggle to seat,
My position in the basement of society I owe
To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago.
Now, my father was a married man, and what is even more
He was married to my mother, a fact that I deplore
I was born in holy wedlock, consequently by and by
I got rooked by every bastard with plunder in his eye.
I invested, I deposited, I voted every fall
Did I ever get a penny saved, those bastards took it all.
Well, at last I've learned my lesson, and I'm on the proper track
I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm gonna get it back.
final cho:
Our parents forgot to get married
Our parents forgot to get wed;
Did a wedding bell chime, that was always a time
They were somewhere off in bed.
So it's thanks to our kind-hearted parents
We're kings in this land of the free
The banker, the broker, the Washington joker
Three prominent bastards --- and me,
The banker, the broker, the joker and me
Four prominent bastards are we.
This was, the story goes, written for a Gridiron Club dinner ca. 1941, and
was broadcast on Armed Service Radio by mistake. It's been published as "A
Ballad to be Sung By Four Prominent Love Children"
@political @sex
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