"How silly to think that accompanists are there to add to the singer when you can improve things by obliterating the misguided idiot by key, timing and noise."

ROFLMAO!

Love your little 'play'!



"It's far from uncommon to be told, when leading a tune, that you're in 'the wrong key'"

Yeah, I know, I have been told that. I have even been told I am in the wrong room...


"I will of course be adopting this new policy forthwith and may even change my instrument to something noisier so that I can best implement this new strategy."

Since you can already play at least one instrument (and thus know most of the music theory you need!), and wish to learn another, thus qualifying you as a 'recycled muso', may I recommend the Piano Accordion and this thread.