When you engage in that kind of relationship, you rationalize for yourself why it might be okay. When it isn't, and you feel guilty, the guilt is all yours (and his). The telling doesn't fix anything, it just spreads more pain (exponentially) so it wasn't a good idea. If you felt that someone else was going to spill the beans and you wanted to get your version out there first--well, I still think it's a bad idea.

I suspect that many of us have someone in our past who wasn't very good for us but who we felt we loved. Sometimes that love lasts for a long long time because of the obstacles that never let the relationship run its course--it stays pent up, it doesn't peter out (no pun intended). Finding out that someone is a rat is an all-too-common discovery, but it's part of growing up to be discreet about the relationship and try to avoid causing pain when possible.

I made a mistake similar to yours, many years ago. I learned a lot from it, and won't make that mistake again. I'm sure I'll make others, but not that one. "Full disclosure" may be ethical in journalism; it's a luxury few can afford in clandestine relationships.

SRS