I always wanted to do the morning traffic report when I worked in Burton, Ohio, right there in Ohio Amish Country:

"Yessir, folks, there's a buggy broke down on Gingerich Road, so y'all be careful right by Emil Miller's place. And up here in town traffic is slowed by a tractor over on the East Side of the Park. It's Earl, and he'll be headin' out the east road in a couple minutes. Over by the cafe there's a pickup takin' up two parkin' places; I think it's Bill Dwyer's old Chevy so Bill's probably inside havin' some of Dorothy's cherry pie and a cuppa coffee. That's the mornin' traffic, folks. And here's a word from Jake over at the hardware store, where he's got a big sale on fence staples and manure forks goin' on."