Alice -

Good question.

Here's the answer - and it brings up a the question of another debate that was much in the news a couple of years ago but which has fizzled out now that it is no longer the flavour of the month - namely fathers rights.
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A bit of background:

Three days after I ended our relationship in August 2003 (as a result of the same addiction and general abusive behaviour), she rang me to inform me that she was pregnant and intended to keep the baby. Nine months of blackmail and manipulation then ensued.

When our child was born, I stayed in her flat on the sofa as there was no way on this earth that I was going to avoid my responsibility to my child and besides, the moment I saw her I WAS her Daddy. To me that means 100% commitment and sacrifice. Slowly, the inevitable gravity drew us back together.

her mother refused to put my name on the birth certificate (her discretion legally) because she didn't want me "having rights"

She is a psychiatric nurse, and while pregnant she worked in child protection as a paper pusher because it is inappropriate to have a pregnant woman doing active nursing and risking the uncertainties that go with the job. While there she learned about the legal status quo in this country.

If she ever had power as a result of the emotional blackmail she had inflicted before, it was nothing compared to what she could do once she realised that she could effectively control every aspect of my life with the threat that if I didn't toe the line she would simply click the "off" switch and I would be history.

This meant not only that I was subject to her every whim, but also that she was free to do whatever she liked whenever she liked and to ignore all responsibility and consequence on the basis that if I started something I risked the same "off" switch being flicked.

Fathers rights are a minefield in Britain as a rule. Fathers rights in the context described (in a nutshell) above are the equivalent of defusing a nuclear bomb with 10 seconds to go and tring to figure out which wire to cut next.

I was powerless to do anything for two and a half years, but have always known that I was and continue to be my daughters best if not only hope. I have therefore kept my head down and taken the punches. It may sound silly to some, but story's like the accounts of Ali's fight in Zaire against foreman that I've read, where he learned how to absorb foremans bonecrushing power until foreman got tired or made a mistake have been the stuff that has kept me going.

In the end, I couldn't take any more, and I subtly and carefully learned what I needed to do to neutralize the threat that I was facing. One day I called her bluff and she announced that that was it. She appeared to enjoy the whole process, teasing me with it in a way that demonstrated an almost fetishistic relish.

She came home from work one day to find a courier waiting for her from the court who issued her with an order prohibiting her from removing our daughter from our property.

Since then I have been unfolding again. She has done her damndest to try and hurt me, but none of it has teeth anymore as I have been very careful to ensure that my daughters is safe and secure with the only person in her life who has given her consistent care love loyalty honesty and attention.

I have lost every material thing I had to make it possible, but none of it mattered to me.

The reality that I am facing now is that that was not the war, just the first battle. The D-day landings if you like. I have a long long way to go and have other minefields to cross, the most dangerous one being the propensity for this whole situation to turn nasty if the dealer decides that it is all his business too.

Sunday's events are the indicator of the long drawn out reality of the future of this whole messy affair.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Alice, the reason once became twice and three and four times was because I couldn't do anything without upending the whole apple cart. I needed to be patient on the one hand and "there" on the other.

I'll post this now as it is so that there is still some memory left on max's computer.