Bobert is assumed to have passed away on (fill in the date) from a fall from his roof. The roof, which was ice-covered where his wife sprayed it with a hose just before a sudden drop in temperature, is undamaged apart from the skid marks.

A life-long supporter of George W. Bush and the neo-conservative agenda, Bobert moved to Virginia from Texas when Bush became President in the hope that he would be named to a cabinet position.

For some reason, Bobert had been living on the roof for the last (fill in the blank) days. His wife, P-Vine, told the coroner that she sprayed the water to see if the roof was leaking, heard a long and loud "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
and when she looked up, Bobert was gone.

In a related story, the North American Air Defense Command scrambled the 715th Fight Wing to intercept and shoot down an unidentified flying object in the vicinity of Luray, Virginia.