I had a shuftiscope examination for bowel cancer a few years ago. You've never seen anyone so pleased to be told that they've got diverticulosis. At least it wasn't cancer. Now I know what the symptoms are caused by, and how a reasonably high- fibre diet can control the condition, I can forget about it. The only danger is if one ruptures, as happened to someone I know. A week or two in hospital saw him all right, bowel fixed and intact.

But they did tell him that he mustn't hold back- and he doesn't. World champion petomane.