So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??" I said "I
wouldn't
do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
for
the custard."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on
it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He
said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"