This is too personal to post under my Mudcat handle, but I am literally frantic and have got to 'talk' to some one. I'm going to provide detail ad nauseum, simply because I need to in order to try to calm myself.

Spouse and middle-school aged son got home tonight from a road trip of several days. Spouse has severe ADD and also runs a business out of our too small house. The whole place habitually looks like a tornado just went through--it is so shameful that only a few very close people are ever allowed inside the house. I'm no neatnik myself, but the place really is appalling. There are so many piles of stuff and papers covering nearly every level surface that it is impossible to do more than vacuum the paths through and dust around the edges. Mostly I just accept that life with spouse means the mess.

I need some small area that is not completely dominated by the mess, however, and for the last two days I have been cleaning and organizing the part of the living room we actually inhabit. The center of the floor and the sofa were clear, but all of the tables, the computer area, and two areas along opposite walls were piled high with assorted paper goods. I know better than to dispose of any of Spouse's piles, so I got some sturdy plastic containers and put Spouse's piles in the containers, placing everything in the same order in which it had been piled, and using a separate box for each pile. I labeled the boxes and moved them into another, equally assessible part of the house.

When he walked into the living room, he first commented on how good it looked, then asked, sounding rational, what I had done with his 'piles.' I started to tell him, and then he went off on a rant, informing me he was going to move it all back tomorrow, screaming and cursing me. I got mad, went and got one of the boxes and said "Here, I'll save you the trouble", and bent over to dump it back in the corner it had come from. (I know, real mature of me *sigh*). I wasn't aware, because he was behind me, but in the meantime, my son had come into the room to see what the yelling was about. When I bent over, Spouse jumped up from the sofa, grabbed me by the wrist and jerked my away from the box, then shoved me across the room. Next, he picked up the box and flung it across the room, breaking the box and scattering the contents. I was completely shocked and frightened and considered calling the police, but he didn't come toward me after that, and I told him I would call the police if he laid another hand on me.

Spouse is emotionally abusive, and had been physically abusive to me early in our marriage. I took out a warrant and he went through a domestic violence treatment program. There had been no physical violence or even shoving for at least 20 years. I walked out of the room and went to my son, who had withdrawn to his bedroom. He is, I am sorry to say, accustomed to his father's tantrums, but had never seen his Dad shove me before. He was disgusted with both of us for getting into an arguement right of the bat, and disturbed that his Dad had pushed me. Spouse was moving in and out of the house, unloading from their trip. He and I completely ignored one another. He was rational and calm in his conversations with our son abut the unloading process.

I was still very shaken and realized my son was taking on the role of comforter. Seeing that Spouse was talking appropriately to him, I decided it was safe to leave him for a few minutes alone with his Dad. I told him I needed to go calm myself down, that I was going to drive around the block (it is cold and raining so I didn't want to walk)and would be back in 15 or 20 minutes.

When I returned, they were gone. I have driven through the parking lots of all the local motels, driven out to our farm, 15 miles from here to see if they went there, and called all the motels of the chain in which Spouse always stays when he travels within a 50 mile radius. Nada. He has turned his cell phone off. My son really wanted to be home, and I think it likely he is upset and distressed that his Dad has done this. He is a smart boy and I imagine he knows he is being used as a pawn.

Spouse is a heavy closet drinker and pot smoker, but there was no alcohol on his breath when they arrived home. He hides both the alcohol and the pot use from our son, and they had been driving for several hours, so I don't think my son is at risk riding in the car with him. If I thought he was drinking or was stoned I wouldn't hesitate to call the police. I am pretty certain he is physically safe with his Dad.

That being the case, I am waffling about whether to call the police at this point. I don't know that they have grounds to intervene. He is the father, after all. I think our son is already freaked out some for his Dad to have done this. If the police did look for them and find them, that might freak him out even more. I am definitely freaking out, myself, but I don't want to involve the police for the purpose of taking care of me--I will not make him a pawn in this--and that may be all calling the police would accomplish.

I know this is long and kind of pointless to anyone but me. But writing it has got me calmed down a bit, so I will be able to think a little more clearly about what to do.

If you read this--thanks for 'listening.'