The kick the ball, the man who's holding the ball, his balls, and have a ball version of football is much older than prissy soccer. It's still played once a year near here at Ashbourne in Derbyshire, and is played on Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday: You won't see Beckham here at any price.

American football, Rugby football, Australian Rules and Association football are all descended from games like this. Though Australian Rules seems to be also partly descended from the independent (but related) root of Gaelic football, which is a wild and mad game and I don't know why it hasn't made it to British TV on those bleak terrestrial TV sport afternoons.

Let's not talk about hurling.