You can shout, yell, scream, declare all you like that 'I will never do *such and such* to my child like my parents did to me'... but rest assured, one day you will do something to your child and find you HAVE turned into that parent.

If you can recognise this moment for what it is, stop your own behaviour and go get professional help, then you are a good parent. If you cannot recognise yourself in your child and remember how frustrating it was for YOU to be ignored, misunderstood or abused, then the pattern will continue down the generations until someone DOES decide not to accept it and says stop.

Remember how once upon a time everyone thought it was OK to own another human being and make them work for you for a pittance? How it used to be OK to beat your wife? How it was accepted behaviour to mistreat people because their skin was a different colour? How all this was justified because that's how your father and his father and his father's father had done it?? That behaviour had to stop somewhere. In this day and age, there is no excuse for excessive beating or abuse of any person, regardless of race, gender, sexual preference or age.

It is true that the burnt hand teaches best, we learn by experience. It's not true that a 'good slap now and then never hurt me as a kid'... I was slapped as a child, usually by my father, mother only threatened me with him. When his slaps started getting harder, more frequent and with a fist, I hit back and he never touched me again. I admit I have spanked Limpit, when she was younger and deserved it. When I found I was doing it more often for less reasons, I investigated my own behaviour first and found it was me that had the problem. From what I can see of her behaviour (pretty appalling at times...) spanking her hasn't made any difference, so we don't do it any more. When she was 2, it stopped her biting people and trying to get in the washing machine because she was too young to understand the consquences of those actions. Now she's nearly 11 (ye Gods!!) it is not an appropriate punishment because her communication skills mean we should be able to reason out the argument and make ourselves understood. It's US who have to learn to sit and listen and work out what the problem really is. I'd far rather reassure her with a cuddle and a conversation than slap her into silence.

LTS