I went to church like a 2-year old
To marry my Maud this morning
Without a word of warning
My hand the lass was scorning
Fathers and mothers and uncles and aunts
Were waiting to see us made one
But she wrote me a note that she'd changed her mind
So now the poor dog's got none

Chorus 1
I must get married today, I must get married today
What'll become of the wedding spread
The easy chair and the feather bed
Find me someone to marry or else
My poor little heart will break
Anything young in a skirt will do
It's a pity to waste the cake

We wandered outside to the nearest pub
We wandered outside to the nearest pub
For something with soda in it
And I said 'don't dispirit' (?)
I need a wife this minute
How would your maiden aunt Mary Ann do
Said Pa as he puffed his pipe
She's come to a sensible ripe old age
I said 'she's a bit too ripe.'

(Chorus 2)
But, I must get married today,
What'll the neighbours say
What will become of the wedding spread
The easy chair and the feather bed
Find me something to marry or else
My poor little heart will break
Even a man in a kilt will do
It's a pity to waste the cake.

Does any girl here want a husband please?
This new wedding ring wants filling
You'll find me kind and willing
The suspense is really killing
Come along Mary or Fanny or Flo
I will is so easily said
And we might find a parson to do the trick
Before he goes off to bed.

(Chorus 1 again)