When I staggered away from my favourite pub, The night was dark and still, And I thought I'd take a short cut home, That led over Cemetery Hill. Now I'm not a hero as everyone knows, And I have no reckless trends, But ghosts and the like leave me cold, as it were, And spirits and I are old friends.
I wobbled along through the cemetery gates, Begging my legs to behave, And everything went pretty well, so I thought, Till I fell down a newly-dug grave. For a moment I thought I had landed in hell, And ended my earthly career. I sniffed like a hound for the sulphurous fumes, Expecting Old Nick to appear.
But reason returned and I staggered erect, My prison so dark, to survey, And tested my bones for a fracture or two, But everything functioned O.K. I made a feeble attempt to get out, But it needed no more than a glance To tell me that in my condition, I hadn't the ghost of a chance.
I reckoned I'd have a lay-off for awhile, And when I woke sober and fit, I'd surely come up with a first-class idea, That would get me up out of the pit. Just then I could hear fast oncoming steps, That seemed too good to be true, But ere I could 'Coo-ee' or offer advice, In the grave there were suddenly two!
It happened he fell in the grave's other end, With no one to cushion his fall; But he rose like a shot with a high-pitched yelp, And attempted to scale up the wall. This chap was at pains to be up and away, As the capers he cut, plainly told; He jumped and he scrambled and jumped again, But his fingers and toes wouldn't hold.
I hadn't yet spoken - I'd hardly a chance, The way he cavorted about, And I had to admire the way that he fought To sever all ties and get out. Of course, he believed there was nobody near - He thought he was there all alone, And I got the idea it had entered his head That the grave was becoming his own.
I felt a bit sad for the poor little guy, Now acting a little distraught, And I thought he'd relax if I gave him the drum, That he wasn't alone, as he thought. So I walked up behind him and tapped on his back As he paused for another wild bid; 'You CAN'T make it mate,' I breathed in his ear — But by the Lord Harry, he DID!