THE THRESHING MACHINE (MIDI file)
(tune taken from the Drunkard's Song; see below)

I once knew a farmer I knew him quite well,
And he had a daughter, her name it were Nell,
Although she were only the age of sixteen,
She wanted to see my old threshing machine.

Chorus:
I had her, I had her, I had her, I aye! (3 times)
And I ups and I shows her the old Kentish way.

The barn door lay open so we stepped inside,
And there in the corner some hay I espied,
So while she worked the throttle and I worked the steam,
Together we worked my old threshing machine.

Oh farmer, oh farmer! I've come to confess,
I've left your young Nell in a hell of a mess,
Her clothes are all torn and her .... are all bare,
And there's something inside her that shouldn't be there.

Three months have gone by and the truth's but to tell,
There's something the matter with our little Nell,
For under her apron can clearly be seen,
She's got too much chaff from my threshing machine.

Nine months later and all's going well,
A son has been born unto our little Nell,
And under his nappy can clearly be seen,
A brand new two cylinder threshing machine.

(The last two verses were seldom sung:)

The lad he grew up and his name it were Jim,
Then somebody threw a tomato at him.
Now tomatoes are soft and they don't hurt the skin;
But this bugger did - it were still in the tin!

Now Mary, the milkmaid, was milking the cow.
She was trying so hard but she didn't know how.
Along came the farmer and gave her the sack,
So she turned the cow over and poured the milk back!