I've been trying to get up the nerve to tell you all about the Independence Day Blow-Out up at the Legion Hovel. I'm not sure I have the words to describe it all, but I'll provide a vignettes and I think you'll get the idea.

* Sour Rosie O'Mascowitz was shimmy-dancing with Sergeant Mary on the Hovel roof while both were engaged in a contest to see who could drink the greatest number of a drink called "Moose Piss."

* C-G Smyte-Withers was passed out under the Liberty Tree, which was decorated with inflated, ah, "balloons" in red, white, and blue. She was cradling an empty "Mad Dog 20/20" bottle in each arm.

* Gentle Tommy Jukes tried to make his horse "pop a wheelie." He's out of intensive care this morning.

* Hardass kept saying that The Grunt had "bought the farm," even though The Grunt was in plain view, dancing with his wife (of all people). Then the boxcar of Boone's Farm was run up Beer Siding.

* Merry Mary broke a beer keg over Handy Harry's head when he got too handy. He, too, is out of the ICU.

* As per tradition, the three boxcar loads of fireworks were exploded all at once when Stuffy flipped his cigar butt into one of the cars. Only three houses were leveled in the resulting explosion, two fewer than last year.

And the police weren't called until nearly 11 p.m., when they responded with the traditional vomiting gas and rubber truncheons.