McArthur's Fart
(a "McArthur Park" parody by Stuart McArthur)

Spring in nineteen-ninety: Yesterday...
I shared with Stu my tent
(though he'd swallowed beans from cans)

Between his parted bumcheeks blew this gale
it roared just like a lion
through his stri-ped jarmy pants

McArthur's fart came wafting through the dark
all those reeking arse-fumes floating round...
somehow must escape into the rain!
I...just...knew I couldn't make it
I was lying there half-naked
if the next tent saw me naked, oh the shame!
Oh No!

I then saw my yellow cotton dress
folded, tucked away
on the ground beside his cheeks

held my breath and shook it, but alas!
it was sodden from the vapours
God, it reeked

McArthur's fart had wilted my best frock
all its sweet green buttons turning brown
maybe I should shake it in the rain
but...the...rain would not go near it
every raindrop somehow cleared it
I can never have that dress on me...again!
Oh No!

(orchestral - key change)


There will be another man for me
and I will find...
him
one whose sphincter muscle's so discreet
it's safe behind...
him
I can handle burps and lager-bombs...and never
let guys catch me wincing at the fumes
including all of Stu's - til last night
never winced at Stu's - til last night
Thought he'd be the one!

I must tell poor Stu...of this event
then adieu
Stu
"Something horrid happened in our tent.
It came from you
Stu
Your explosion fouled the atmosphere...
and its denseness flowed like treacle through my lungs
and though you were the love of my life
I know that I can never be your wife
I'm still reeking of you
and so it's good-
...bye"

(melancholy orchestral interlude,
followed by inexplicably hep jazz bridge,
followed by huge orchestral crescendo...)

McArthur's fart has blanketed my heart
like a reeking lice-filled eiderdown
Even if I break up with its source
I...don't...think that I can cop it
I've no energy to stop it
(furthermore I need my tent poles reinforced)
oh no!!

Oh no-o!

no!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!