Alright now, listen up! I have an important announcement to make, and I ain't gonna repeat myself, you hear me? I ain't gonna repeat myself.

I am now, officially, a Disabled American Veteran.

Yes.

I have been awarded a 10% disability by the Department of Veterans' Affairs, which did not, however, provide me with an affair.

I will receive the munificent sum of US $115.00 each month in disability payments or, as I prefer to call it, deferred pay. This money is, as far as I know, taxable.

So when you meet me you have to a) salute and b) help me and my frail body, broken and beaten defending the freedoms you enjoy (assuming you live in the US), to a chair or a barstool, whichever is closer and c) buy the drinks and d) cater to my every whim and e) attend to all of my bodily functions and needs. This is all Federal Law and you can go to jail if you don't do it.