DRUNKEN RIOTS MARK EXAM RESULTS

from our Newsagency 2007

The centre of town was paralysed last night as hundreds of teachers took to the streets to celebrate exceptional exam results. Shopping trolleys and traffic cones were dumped in the local river causing distress to a number of the ducks living there. One mallard complained "we are quiet and peace loving and object to this kind of reprehensible behaviour" Another added "we pay enough in rates for this stretch of river - when are the council going to do something about it?"

Other residents of the city centre complained about the behaviour of the teachers, many of whom were in an evident state of intoxication. "It was disgraceful" one resident, who asked not to be named, told us "teachers were everywhere, shouting and drinking openly on the street. I was afraid to go outside my door all night. Please don't put my name in the paper" she added "I'm afraid my son will get very poor marks in his exams next summer if I am recognised".

Police said there had been a number of arrests for various breaches of the law, mainly under the Intoxicating Liquor Act. A police spokesman told this newspaper that "our officers were very busy last night, we have had a number of arrests for a range of offences from Drunk & Disorderly, graffiting maths formuale on the walls of various business premises in town, vandalism and so on. The number of arrests were in line with previous years and we are on top of the situation (as always, unless we are looking for extra resources)"

A number of teenagers said they had cancelled their own traditional end-of-exam drunken binges out of fear of encountering their equally drunken form teachers while on the town.

A spokesman from the main teacher's organisation said this kind of behaviour was not condoned and that the vast majority of teachers behave in a perfectly respectable manner.
"But the piblic must understand that tecahers are under tremendous stress for the whole year trying to manage a roomful of brats, deal with their whinging parents and produce ever-better stratospehric results for school boardsw that are being increasingly run like corporate boards answerable to shareholders. It is only to be expected they might let off a little steam now and then"

None of the thousands of teachers letting off some steam last night could be named for legal reasons.

Copyright 2007 Utopian news agency.