Billy the Trid knew that his notorious buccaneer space-vessel, The StarShagger, was in close proximity to the Mudcat Enterprise. He scanned the VRS (visual rendering screen) for evidence of his prey. His craft was cloaked and would be invisible to the Enterprise unless they had a Googlian Attache' on board. Googlians were famous for their ability to see invisible things, due to their constant ingesting of Flabjian Eels-blood, a hallucinogen that would give a Sperm Whale the heebie-jeebies (if there had been any remaining examples of this mythical beast. Moby Dick was still taught in Terran High Schools, but the central figure of the White Whale was thought to be a metaphor for the Microsoft Corporation, which had taken over the administration of United Earth when it's political ruling body had decided that nobody was paying them any attention and resigned).

Billy was careful about entering the locations of his targets at Warp Speed, since travel in this manner involved a temporary suspension of the law of physics. Momentary violations of this law were accepted practice, but continual warp speed travel could lead to redundancy: Redundancy was the sudden duplication or triplication of all beings and objects involved in Warp Travel. This could be very confusing, and the cure involved IWR, or Immediate Warp Rewind, which could leave one impotent or with a raging case of Rubella. IWR was also often difficult to implement because the Duplicates and Triplicates were averse to being made to disappear in the act of Rewind, and life and death struggles sometimes ensued. The other problem with Warp Speed Travel was SSO effect, or Sudden Simultaneous Occupancy. This was caused by the Warp Speed craft accidentally arriving at the locus of another craft, causing a disorienting merger of objects and individual from the two ships. The Trid had once been a rather attractive Terran with the normal amount of appendages, but an SSO involving a Plutonian Mining Vessel had left him with a pear-shaped bulbous head, three lips, and a 26 inch schleeber that seemed to have a mind of its own. This was nothing compared to the poor Plutonian Commander who had been left with an aquiline nose, a blond beard, and a rather miniscule and bizarre replication apparatus that frightened the females of his species.

Any way, Billy was approaching cautiously. Suddenly he could see the Enterprise on the screen. He positioned the StarShagger immediately behind her, his cloaking mode engaged."Cartoosh!" he shouted, "have the men prepare for boarding!" The Arachnian robot replied " there are no 'men' as such, Cap'n. Just the Lingerie Models and seven or eight Tentacled Blaggardian Mercenaries." The Trid gripped Cartoosh by two metal flaps that Billy assumed were lapels."Then tell the Blaggardians to don their Ecto-shells and strap on plasma pistols," he whispered," and have the Lingerie Models put on their push-up bras and fishnet stocking, and load their knapsacks with Fuggerfruit, 'cause we're goin' in!"

The Trid reached into a cardboard box full of eight-track tapes that he had purchased from a pair of Longhaired Freegs at an Aquarian Garage Sale. He pulled outa John Hammond tape and popped it into the dash-mounted player.

I am the Backdoor Man
I am the Backdoor Man
Men don't know
But the little girls understand...