After fourteen years, my oldest daughter and her husband are divorced, living in the same town. She has custody of their twin nine-year old boys, though they spend one night a week with him, Saturdays and some days after school when she is working. He has been paying her a small amount every week for chid support. Since they have been to court (well, she was, he didn't show up), the court doubled the amount he is to pay, but said they would not force the issue unless she chose to contact social services to do so. She has been understanding of his financial difficulties, even though he is working full-time and she is only part-time at the moment.

I thought folks might've changed since I went through a divorce with child support issues. It's depressing to think they are still the same. He promised to give her more money this week, as he had nothing for her last week. When she asked him about it, he became angry, told her no, he didn't have any extra and if she pressed it, through the court, he would leave the country for good (go home to the West Indies) that he wasn't going to "go to the poorhouse for anyone. (When they first separated I bought them several books on how to present it to the kids and how NOT to put the kids in the middle and how to deal with these issues. She read them, he scanned them, now they can't find them.)

Then he started in on the familiar refrain between opposing parents, of she spends all of the $80/week he's been giving her, on herself and her boyfriend, not on the kids. He doesn't call his boys, he won't come pick them up for visits, she has to drive them over, and she has to take food along for them when they go to his house as he doesn't have much to eat. This is a man who was SO helpful when she was bedridden for nineteen weeks whilst carrying the boys. I know he has been depressed for several years, but has always refused seeking help.

She called me for advice because he really scared her with his threats to leave, though he would not take the boys with him. My first reaction was to call his bluff...go ahead through the court and watch him leave. Then I advised her to keep a record of EVERYTHING she spends on the boys. I wonder if he has completely forgotten how much food costs and how much TWO nine year old, active boys eat these days!

Anyway, I looked all over on google for something about dads accusing moms of spending child support on themselves and didn't find much except a few blog entries. I KNOW not all dads do this and I KNOW some moms are deadbeats, too, so please don't go off on that.

What I'd like is some advice on how to deal with this kind of BS without getting too antagonistic. Or, maybe I just need to vent a bit. I love the guy, but this is ridiculous and a complete change for him. He did not have his father around until he was in his teens, so maybe he is doing the only thing he knows, but should that really be an excuse? My daughter is very concerned about the boys having their father in their lives and does not take his threat to leave lightly.

I think this must sound a bit muddled. I find it depressing that this kind of BS still goes on between parents, esp. parents who have done their best together, in the past, to raise their children well. It is so close to home for me. My ex once demanded a turqouise ring I was wearing before he would give me a check for $25 past due child support. A check that bounced. That was when I decided he didn't need to have anything to do with our children, again. Took him to court and had his rights revoked, NOT something my dau. would even contemplate, much less want to do.

At least they have kept this away from the kids, but the boys are bound to pick up on the vibes and can't help but notice something is amiss. It just seems such an old, tired, angry, stupid way to be...I guess I was hoping things had improved over the years. Guess it's just human nature, huh?

Thanks for listening.