It is probably most effective to leave the 'shoulds' out of it, which is what Alice did.

From what you write, it sounds like the kids and their dad definitely have a bond and a meaningful relationship. IMHO, consideration of that has to take priority over any issues related to fairness and equity between the parents and their mutual responsibilities toward their children. I do not think it is appropriate when a custodial parent attempts to prevent the other parent from having visitation with the kids solely because the other parent is not meeting their financial obligations to provide for the children. (And Kat, I think I can safely guess your own decision to finally terminate parental rights was not about money.)

From what you write about your daughter and son-in-law, however, it seems your daughter is mistakenly thinking she can be responsible for the choices her ex may make. If he leaves the country, HE is choosing to remove himself from the children. SHE is not forcing him to go, nor is she withholding the children from him.

Any of us who are parents know how difficult it can be to sort out in our minds what is in the best interests of our children, and how easy it is to get confused between our own needs and wants and those of our children.

Alice's situation with her own son and his father was very different from that of your daughter's, as her children do have a well established relationship with Dad.   But the way she dealt with it, setting aside the shoulds, accepting the realities and her lack of control over the choices of her son's father, and doing her best to stay firmly focused on what was within her power to do in the best of interests of her child guided her thinking and helped her when it came time to make choices. Keeping those same principles in mind might help your daughter as she struggles to make her own choices.

What a tough situation for everyone concerned.

Janie