My Grandfather's Ferret. [Derek Jolly]


My Grandfathers ferret, was a beast of little merit
What lived out the back in a cage
If you peered through the bars you'd see eyes like little stars
All a-glimmer with impotent rage
Oh, the smell it gave off made you splutter gasp and cough
And it's habits were exceedingly gross
And it bit off anything it could reach
If you stood too close


Now when that ferret needed feeding
Someone always came in bleeding
Or looking just as white as a sheet
If you opened up the doors, it was all out bloody war
And that ferret was dead fast on it's feet
It could go for your throat thru two mufflers and a coat
Or it would savage a finger or two
Then it would sit back, with a self-satisfied smirk
Like Wellington, after Waterloo


Now one day my Auntie May went to feed the thing some hay
By poking it in through the wire
But thinking that meat would be more up it's street
And with a speed that you had to admire
Clamped his teeth around her digit and went absolutely rigid
Auntie May nearly went out of her mind
Then the daft cow opened up the door
To try and attack it from behind


Now when that ferret saw that she'd opened up the door
It was out and upon her in a flash
With a scream of success it went streaking up her dress
Auntie May wished she'd never been so rash
With his nasty little teeth, he bit her underneath
In between, round behind and at the back
And my Aunt May never smiled again.......


And neither did my Uncle Jack!