More lines tweaked to scan better and to come off the tongue more readily (and I quite agree - I hope they go easy on them. It's been a news story to cheer us up, and there aren't too many like that):

I went for a paddle one time in the wet
I was deep in the water and deeper in debt,
And what happened after, well, I quite forget..
But now everyone seems to be getting upset.
I went home to my wife and I told her "I'm dead",
But no, she wouldn't credit a word that I said,
She kept washing me clothes, she made sure I was fed,
But she said "You'd best keep your own side of the bed
And go paddle your own canoe."

Yes, I paddled me own canoe,
Oh what was a Hartlepool fellow to do,
Once the Hartlepool monkey was wrongfully framed,
As the Hartlepool Darwin I'm scorned and I'm shamed,
And it all started out as a kind of a game,
When I paddled me own canoe.

For five long long years I stayed close in the house,
I made sure that I made no more noise than a mouse,
I talked to the wall and I talked to my spouse
And I talked to myself when she wasn't about.
And everyone thought that I must have been drowned,
So if ever a neighbour should chance to come round,
Well, I had to make sure that I never was found,
So I'd climb in me cupboard and I'd go to ground,
And I paddled me own canoe.

Yes, I paddled me own canoe,
Oh what was a Hartlepool fellow to do,
Once the Hartlepool monkey was wrongfully framed,
As the Hartlepool Darwin I'm scorned and I'm shamed,
And it all started out as a kind of a game,
When I paddled me own canoe.

Then we flew far away, and we bought us a flat,
Then I posed for a picture in my panama hat,
And then somebody somewhere somehow smelt a rat,
And it all came on out - very soon that was that.
So if anyone's thinking of having a try,
You've got to take care when you make for to die,
You've got be sly and you've got to act shy,
If you don't you might end just the same way as I,
When I paddled me own canoe.

Yes, I paddled me own canoe,
Oh what was a Hartlepool fellow to do,
Once the Hartlepool monkey was wrongfully framed,
As the Hartlepool Darwin I'm scorned and I'm shamed,
And it all started out as a kind of a game,
When I paddled me own canoe.