Cheerios are really bagel seeds.

New potential career choice: "gas price changer
technician."

If you're pushing 80, that's exercise enough!

I'm in a long-distance relationship. I carpool to work.

Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been
grounded.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it
depends on the gift.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your
right foot.

I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw
the old one away.

If you do what you've always done, you'll always get
what you've always gotten.

Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

I clean my house every other day. Today is the OTHER day.

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is
going to stop me?

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the
blame.

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing
home $450,000 a week.

A golf course is a site to be holed.

Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right
decision?

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

If I could find a way to fax my kids to daycare, I'd save
45 minutes a day.

Never run from your fears because when they
catch up to you, you're too tired to fight.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

I'm so strong I can tear a phone book in half the hard
way; one page at a time.

My friend only drinks on special occasions; like when
somebody else is buying.

He changed his name to Hilton so it'll be the same as
the name on his towels.

The best audience is intelligent, well educated, and
a little drunk.

We may not imagine how our lives could be
more frustrating and complex . . . but Congress can.

Sympathy sees and says, "I'm sorry.". . Compassion
sees and says, "I'll help."

My doctor told me my operation was fairly routine
and not at all complicated. I told him to remember
that when he makes out the bill.

Fall is when the leaves on the trees know their
usefulness is done and they depart gracefully.
Politicians should be made to watch and learn.

Nothing seems expensive on credit.

Skier: one who pays an arm and a leg for the
opportunity to break them.

The horn of plenty is usually the one behind you in
traffic!

The hospital should also have a recovery room next
to the cashier's office.