I learned to sing a brand new song Memorised the words on every page It sounded so good in the bathroom And now the world would be my stage
I practised hard, both night and day I Learned it well and felt so proud But all my dreams would turn to ashes When I went along to that singaround
As I went into that crowded room I felt wound up like a coiled spring But when I'd sat down in that circle I did a very stupid thing
I sat in the only empty place Where the turn to sing had just moved past Now I'd have to sit around for hours Oh woe is me ! Oh, damn and blast
It started off with a gruesome murder ballad Which ended on the gallows high But not till after 42 verses When it was done, I heaved a sigh
Then some pissed up clown Started a sea shanty With a drunken chorus nine times or ten By the time he'd reached the Bay of Biscay He forgot the words, and had to start again
Then an intense young man with a Takamine To bare his soul to all, he'd written a song so deep All about a "failed relationship" (I think I must have fallen asleep)
And several more painful dirges later When things had sunk to an all time low From under a seat appears a melodeon Just wind him up and off he'll go!
Then a very large Scottish lady did an introduction, That was even longer than the song, "Oh wo-an't ye gan to the heels laddie," Another half an hour and we moved on
And then this bloke waltzes in and sits down He arrived at least two hours after me He must be up the organiser's backside 'Cos he gets to sing almost straight away
And once again it was a marathon performance As despondency filled up the room Till someone did a Leonard Cohen song Just to lighten up the doom and gloom
It was my turn at last after an eternity! I said "oh, is it me?", took a deep breath Now is my chance for retribution I'll make sure I get my pound of flesh
Chorus:
I'll make this song go on forever Stretch every syllable and line I'll get my own back on those bastards That kept me waiting all that time I'll go so slow, oh so slow, oh so very slow..
I'll sing so loud I'll give them earache Let them know my time has come They can forget about the beer break As no-one's moving till I'm done
And as for those who carry on talking Or crunching crisps at them I'll glare And as for going to the toilet I'll just say "don't you bloody dare"
Chorus
I'll make this song go on forever Stress every syllable and line I'll get my own back on those bastards That kept me waiting all that time I'll go so, and still more slow .. etc
(to the tune of "El Dorado" by Graham Miles)
Love it all though, but prefer a good old Heinz 57!