This was researched for the Critics Group album 'Waterloo-Peterloo'
Jim Carroll

HUMPHREY HARDFEATURES DESCRIPTION OF CAST-IRON INVENTIONS
This wryly humorous song is very reminiscent of our present-day fears that we will eventually be entombed under an ever-growing pile of multi-coloured plastic artifacts. In 1784 Cort invented the puddling process which enabled coke to be used as fuel in all the stages of iron-making. From then on the iron industry expanded rapidly and iron was used for an increasing variety of objects. At Coalbrookdale, the window-sills and tombstones were made of iron. John Wilkinson, known as 'Iron Mad Wilkinson', was iron's greatest propagandist. He left instructions that he was to be buried in an iron coffin.

1        Since cast-iron is now all the rage,
And scarce any thing's now made without it;
As I live in this cast-iron age,
I mean to say something about it.
Here's cast-iron coffins and carts,
Cast-iron bridges and boats,
Corn-factors with cast-iron hearts,
That I'd hang up in cast-iron coats.

2        Iron bedsteads have long been in use,
With cast-iron they now pave our streets,
Each tailor has a cast-iron goose,
And we soon shall have cast-iron sheets;
Tommy Whalebone has grown quite a blade,
So dextrous and clever his hand is,
Swears he soon shall have excellent trade
Making cast-iron stays for the dandies.

3        We have cast-iron gates and lamp-posts,
Cast-iron mortars and mills too;
And our enemies know to their cost
We have plenty of cast-iron pills too.
Old Boggle's as rich as a Jew,
Whose wife kicks up a terrible row, Sir,
Saying 'Pray Mr. Founder can't you
Make a cast-iron tongue for my spouse, Sir?'

4        We have cast-iron fenders and grates,
Cast-iron pokers and tongs, Sir,
And we soon shall have cast-iron plates,
And cast-iron small-clothes 'ere long, Sir,
Or, should any mischievous jade,
Wish her dear hubby's head to adorn, Sir,
'Twill be easy to have a pair made,
Of beautiful cast-iron horns, Sir.

5        Now my cast-iron song's at an end,
I hope you'll not take it amiss, Sir.
May your plaudits my efforts attend,
My heart sure would burst if you hiss, Sir,
I pray, my kind friends don't say nay,
For if I'm not out of my latitude,
I your goodness shall never repay,
With such feeling as cast-iron gratitude.