The best one I ever heard was from my brother, who was at a cabaret night some years ago at an Irish Catholic club in Lancashire. Typical club of the time; big concert room, stage, green curtains, picture of the Pope and a large crucifix at the back of the stage. The clergy and several nuns had permanently reserved seats at the front. The comedian/singer/raconteur Wandering Walter was the 'turn' for the evening. Before the gig, someone from the committee told Walter that the club had been burgled the week before, and the bar takings and cigarette machine had been emptied.

Walter came on, did his opening song, and then said;
'EEEE, I were proper sorry to hear about your burglary; it's a right poor do, and no mistake.' He then glanced behind him at the crucifix, and said 'See you got the bastard though!' Shortest gig in living memory, I believe.
Tim;)