Talikin' Army Blues

Sittin' with ma guitar playin' the blues
Heard the Postman comin' he was bringin' bad news
Got a letter said better get out of that civilian rut
There's vacant bed awaiting in an Army hut
I'm a man of few words didn't say nothin' much I just fainted.

When a came to I told Mom and Dad
But they didn't take it so very bad
Dad said remember one thing son and you'll get by
Keep your boots polished and yer powder dry
Least that's what my old commander used to say
And he got to be President or something like that

When Ma got down to packin' ma stuff
She said are you sure three pairs of Long Johns is goin' to be enough
I said I thought that ought to do
As I wasn't intendin' wearin' 'em anyhow
Too darned itchy, you have to scratch
Pretty good for polishing boots with though

When I went off to catch ma train
I said goodbye to Mom 'n' Dad 'n' Jane
Jane said she'd wait for me till Hell froze
Sure must have been a cold winter

Got to the station without any harm
There's this fella there with a band on his arm
Said MP on it, didn't talk like no politician though
He said "Hey you, country hick which way you headed Circle B or Oswaldvick"
I said "man I'm just looking for the Army which way did it go"
He said "Oh a funny man, well we've got a way with funny men in the Army"
He was right.

I took a lorry to the camp lined up and marched in
There was a big fat fella with a double-chin
Gave us some double-talk about not steppin' out o' line
And writing letters to your MP 'n' stuff like that
Which I thought was kinda mean of him
But then he was a mean fella called himself an RSM
Never did discover what a Retired School Master
Was doin' in the Army

Well they took me away and they cut off m' hair
And they gave me a convict suit to wear
With a pair of boots sized twenty-two
And stuck needles in me till I was black 'n' blue
Feelin' miserable. Then they decided that I needed exercise

So the Sergeant took me and the rest of the boys
And He showed us one of life's greatest joys, Marchin'
We marched up and down and round and round
Till the blood in m' head was beginnin' to pound
And m' legs was beginnin' to fray at the ends
And I was thinkin' of shootin' m' self, or the Sergeant.

Then I thought I might work m' ticket
But workin' your ticket's a hard thing to do
You can talk to the doctor till yer face is blue
'Cos the MO don't care about hammered toes,
homesickness or any of those
His idea is that you're in the Army it's such a healthy life
Cures of almost anything - even lying
He's another one just like the Sergeant - Mean
I guess they're just a pair of disillusioned idealists.