The Onion reports:

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: Humanity Says 'Oh, *****'

In an announcement with grave implications for the primacy of the species of man, marine biologists reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins."I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy *****,'" said Dr. James Aoki. "That's it for us monkeys."