Well call me old fashioned, but I think its high time the results of football matches were decided in the good old English fashioned way.

There should be a panel of judges including Andrew Lloyd Webber, Len Goodman and Simon Cowell. the teams should each get ten minutes and be judged strictly on their entertainment value, star quality and and sex appeal.

As for front of goal celebrations - no one minds a manly squeeze of the bottom, and kiss on both cheeks and discreet fondling - but I agree with WAV and Alf Ramsey on this one - no French kissing and appliances that use batteries are right out.

A big mistake, in my opinion, was the introduction of running water in the toilets and the closure of pie stall with really disgusting cups of tea inside football grounds. Also things were much better when just one policeman policed the whole match - mostly looking the other way.

The footballers themselves get away with murder. When was the last time you saw a footballer wearing a pair of boots with a big shiney toe cap and a lethal set of studs. You could do some real damage with those buggers and it kept all these bloody foreigners out.