"The World Spoons Championship was held, in ENGLAND, at the Trimdon MUSIC Festival, this year Eliza"

I'm holding the World Gazing Up my Bum Competition at Ruth's Music Festival, to be held next week in my back garden. First prize: a plastic recorder and a bowl of pottage.

Does this mean my arse is in the running to be England's National Musical Instrument? God, I hope so...