Well, they took off my other, really funny one...soooo.......


They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes
around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City
Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was
visiting
from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - A USTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- Smoky,
with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw
the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me
more beer before I ignite. Ba rmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the
beer.

*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste bud s? Sally, the beermaid,
was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look
HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using sh redded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #
3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will
eat through the chair. No one seems incline d
to stand behind me
except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with
a
snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...< /FONT>
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to

stop
breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report