This is the version I know from English folk sing-arounds:

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AT THE BOARDING HOUSE

In the boarding house I lived in, Everything was growing old,
Silver strings among the lettuce, And the cheese was green with mold,
When the dog died we had sausages, When the cat died, catnip tea,
When the landlord died I left there, Spare ribs were too much for me.

As a Train sat in the station, Came a young man in despair,
As he ran to try and catch it, Slipped and fell right down the stairs,
An old lady at the bottom said, Did you miss a step my son,
He just smiled at her and said, lady, I hit every bloody one.

A girl can't change her nature, It is far beyond her reach,
If a girl is born a lemon, She will never be a peach,
But the law of compensation, Is the one I always preach,
You can always squeeze a lemon, Just you try and squeeze a peach!

Standing on the bridge at midnight, Throwing snowballs at the moon,
She said Jack I've never had it, But she spoke too bloody soon
....
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I can't remember the rest... there are quite a few more verses and I am still looking for them online. This song is not sung much anymore since it is not very politically correct!