Parts of Rochester are very pricey (mostly the parts with the nice buildings of which there are quite a lot) but you need to like cathedral bells! Regrettably it has a conservative club.

The parts anywhere near Aaron Stone's nightclub and casino are dangerous after dark and frequently feature on the programs about the police dealing with doobed-up drunks. In fact, if you have one of the nice vertical houses on the High Street, secure your front door at night like Fort Knox, and someone from the night club will still have pissed in your letterbox in the morning.

Chatham is the pits (but there are some nice buildings ont he outskirts) and St Mary's Island glows in the dark and the roses grown there have walk (I'm not joking) on parts in "Alien". Some of thehouses on Madstone Road are nice - but on a main-ish road and pricey.

Strood is best described in Paul Carr (folksinger54)'s song

"My living nightmare I'm in Strood again"

It is without redemption apart from the largely unused temple of the Knight's Templar - alas in the middle of an industrial estate. But it is cheap.

On the peninsular, avoid Chattenden and Hoo like the plague. High Halstow alas got "developed". The pb, the Dead (sorry, Red) Dog now tries to be a (bad) restaurant but the building is nice. Cliffe Woods is mostly 30s to 80s developments. Without charm.

Old Cliffe would be nice - but for a huge council estate so now it is the land where men are men and sheep are nervous. The sheep may be brighter than some of the inbreds. It has a biker pub, the Evening Star.

Cooling has a nice church, a nice (alas converted) rectory, and of course Jools Holland. Otherwise agricultural underclass.

Spendiff has charm and prices, and you need to drive round in ever-diminishing cirles from Cooling to get there.

Upper Dogsbottom (oops, Stoke), where Dilligaff lives, and Kev the gopher (sorry, Clogs) visits, could be nice if one of the parents of the people who live there had taught their children how to speak. It has a proper village pub (White Horse) at least until the landlord can sell it for housing and retire. There is one very nice farmhouse.

Middle Stoke is bleaahh.

Lower Coke could have been nice until the council filled it with sink estates in the 60s. I like it as a mixed village. Prices are low low low but check addresses with me!

All Hallows has a nice church, and a pub that I fear is beyond redemption - and more council and similar housing.

All Hallows on Sea is mostly trailer park and similar - and a chalet holiday camp. Lots of people with tattoos and large outboard motors - on a flat sea with 4 100 horse mercs you can be in Amsterdam intwo hours. Nuff said?

That leaves Grain. St James's Church is nice, and the Hogarth Arms would be, apart from the denizens. It has more explosives per square foor (gas hortonspheres and oil tanks) per square foot than any other part of the UK, is only a small overshoot from a Navy firing range, and was developed to house workers from the now defunct BP oil refinery there - ie those who could not afford a car to go home in or were too stupid to learn to drive.