Oneliners Redux

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.
Landing is first.

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

There is no time like the present for postponing
what you ought to be doing.

Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

I get six miles per gallon with my new car . . .
my son gets the other twenty.

If money won't make you happy, you won't
like poverty either.

Cease and desist! Don't make me use uppercase.

Many people's tombstones should read died
at 30, buried at 60.

The generation that criticizes the younger
generation is always the one that raised it.

I had a nostalgic English teacher who found
the past perfect and the present tense.

Happiness has one great advantage over Money.
People don't try to borrow it.

At my age, getting a second doctor's opinion
is kinda like switching slot machines.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

The missing link between man and monkey can be
found in today's politicians.

What will happen to work when the trend toward
longer education meets the trend toward earlier
retirement?

I just saw the animals in my neighborhood lining
up two by two. Should I be worried?

There's probably nothing wrong with the younger
generation that the older generation didn't outgrow.

My doctor says I've got something going for me.
However, he can't stop any of it from going.

What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls
the beginning.

Health is wealth. . . . and it's tax-free!

Few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather
special to be one of them.

She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint.

I just got my bill for my stay in the hospital. Now I
know why surgeons wear masks!

If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go.

Most would rather be ruined by praise than saved by
criticism.

Katrina victims are learning the Law of Diminishing
Compassion.

Force without justice is tyrannical.

Kamasutra Kamikaze: Willing to try every position in
one night or die trying.

When they say "instant credit," they actually mean
"instant debt".

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

Boredom is a sign of unused potential.

Kraft Foods laid off six thousand workers and
profits are up. Now they have six thousand more
people living on macaroni and cheese.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the
fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you
want to know?"

Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or
left handed... or is that "pawed"?!

A father is a man who carries pictures in his billfold
where money used to be.

I either want less corruption, or a chance to participate.