Dear Mudcat,

I have no experience of singer-songwriting, so what follows is directed at singers of Traditional Song - would-be or otherwise. Smoking, as I'm sure we all agree, is essential - since the smoking ban the folk voice is going soft, so make sure you smoke plenty of strong, unfiltered, hand-rolled snout, especially first thing in the morning. Beer is essential too, to obliterate all sense of self-consciousness thus enabling the subjective self to melt into the objective whole in a communion which is essential to becoming a truly successful folk singer*. Similarly, I recommend taking up Fox Hunting - or whatever passes for Fox Hunting in this day and age - the celebratory chase and Tally-Ho! over hedges, ditches, brooks and bridges without the first hand experience of which no singer should ever attempt to sing a hunting song - in fact, as in literature, only sing about what you know. It is also pretty essential to become a Medium, as each time we sing a traditional song we are conducting a seance with the ancestors, so some sort of Shamanic training is very important - if not, an injection of Liquid Ecstasy into the soft pink flesh just above the front teeth should do the trick**. Whilst on the subject of drugs - a big NO FECKING WAY! to cocaine, but a very definite YES PLEASE, MR LAWRENCE! to speed; and if you must use heroin, then for God's sake chase rather than mainline - how many singarounds have I been to where some poor old bastard has OD'd during the chorus of Dido, Bendigo... thus ruining it for everyone? Three this year - two last year - four the year before - one the year before that; 1996 was a particularly bad year, thanks to Danny Boyle (Oh Danny Boyle, the pipes and bongs are calling...). Remember - you don't have to do drugs to be a Folk Singer, but as a short cut to the personal & cultural paranoia so essential to being a folky they're hard to beat.

Your pal,

Mr Staines Norris.

* By which I don't mean famous, as most famous folk singers aren't successful in the slightest - just as most successful folk singers aren't in the slightest bit famous.

** Which is, of course, E-by-gum.