Everything you've heard about Crossroads is true.

You had to provide your own costume. They said, Get a dark coloured suit. So I got a dark blue one - cos I didn't actually own a suit.

Doug Porter (Debyshire folksinger) held the record for playing 'man in bar'. he said it was worth getting the suit. So I did.

When I got there they said, you got a blue suit.....! the cameras don't like blue - didn't they tell you.

I said, no I bought it specially, and they said,.... oh well its only bloody Crossroads, if you bought it specially!

So I'm sitting there in the bar in my suit. Ronnie Allen is in the foreground doind the sub Rattigan bit
Dahling, would you mind awfully awfully if we gave it one more charnce....?
Oh David, dohlink ! I GAVE it a charnce, but with you - with you ...it was always the job - the motel, always and only, always and only! the job first and larrst!

I'm sat there in the background, next to this very nice lady who was a magicians assistant, she was telling me something or other.....

When this guy comes up to us with a clipboard and snarls WE CAN HEAR YOU TALKING IN THE CONTROL ROOM! You're only supposed to be acting talking! YOU! don't say a word! And don't for godsake drink those glasses of beer - they've been there months. It'll kill you. We have a bet on, on how long we can make a can of LongLife last... you nearly buggered it up!

So anyway. After a bit of Ronnie emoting. the guy with the clipboard comes up again. he says to Ronnie - change of plan Mr Allen - you're going to get back together with her! Heres the new speech.

So Ronnie goes off to learn the new speech - comes back ten minutes later and they shoot it in one. the camera crew applaud spontaneously.

Brilliant, we're all off home, I'm thinking. And the man with the clipboard comes back again. I say you guys, do you want to shoot another episode? - you get twice the money - and we all say - yes absolutely.

For the nest episode I was playing 'man walking through bar' A posh lady thespian grabbed me by the arm, and said briskly....'We'll walk through the bar like a man and wife out for evening together darling - you'll be marvellous!'

And so I was. I played 'man in bar' and 'man walking through bar'. Unfortuantely they were right about the blue suit - the camera didn't like it. When it was transmitted a few weeks later, I stood out and glowed like Sellafield kids in the porridge advert.

And when I walked across the bar - (glowing!) - I look a bit like a sputnik crossing Captain Kirk's vision, from the bridge of the USS Enterprise.

This was very unfortunate for the actor who was playing the new French Hotel Manager - Oh You Eeenglish how you deesgust me. Maintenant! I will be making you all eat frogs legs and smell my breath wheech is rich and vile with garleec an snails.... oh yes theengs 'ave been easy for you up to now! but ma fois! But ma fois!How you will suffere! Or my name is not Nasty-Foucquet!
Amy Turtle: Ooooh! I wain't loik thet Monsier Nasty Foucquet!
And then I sputnik-ed across the bar.

al