This sent to me today, by a former colleague. How timely.

RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR INEXPERIENCED CATS
1: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug.
or in the slipper or lap of a veteran Catter

2: Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
see also thread about sprouts for gorillas

3: For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colours which contrast with your own.
try to ensure you have good static charge built up first

4: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
or check all threads that Spaw, Rapaire, and others have "deposited" toilet humour - ask questions

5: For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
check other threads for sickeningly sweet comments and repeat them back to author - ask questions

6: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
especially important in threads dedicated to moaning about weather

7: If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
useful trick in derailing heated arguments in threads - purr and be cute

8: For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
don't forget to visit the Mudcrafter's thread- unravel some stuff

9: For people doing work, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table-pens, pencils, stamps-one at a time.
hah.... nobody on Mudcat actually works - you will have to find something else to do on this point or maybe you could annoy moderators

10: Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.
this is especially good if have a partner but are not a two MudCat household.... drive your partner crazy....tapping at keyboard all night